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Breaking: Somali pirates acquire Citigroup?

Breaking: Somali pirates acquire Citigroup?

Amid a slew of piracy stories from Somalia, a fake Bloomberg piece is circulating the ‘net today with a report that Wall Street bankers might cringe upon reading:

Somali Pirates in Discussions to Acquire Citigroup

By Andreas Hippin

November 20 (Bloomberg) — The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.

The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said. 

“You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to
offer the shareholders anything,” said Ali.

The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities.  The PRBS’s are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden.  Moody’s and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS’s.

Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: “We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup
at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster.”

Shandu added, “We don’t call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better.”

In real pirate news, the Weekly Piracy Report counted 11 incidents last week. And James Carrol debunks the lessons of piracy in the International Herald Tribune.

(Hat tip: Andrew Willis)