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Help Wanted: Must Be Infallible

Help Wanted: Must Be Infallible

Position: Bishop of Rome (Pope)

Organization: Holy See

Posted: Feb. 11, 2013

Location: Vatican City, Vatican City

Salary: $0 (competitive benefits)

About the organization: Founded by Jesus Christ, the world’s largest (and only legitimate) Christian Church has been bringing its flock the true word of God for 2,000 years. With 23 autonomous churches and nearly 3,000 dioceses, you’re never far from one of our convenient locations. Located in the heart of Rome, with dozens of convenient dining options nearby, our headquarters is also the world’s smallest sovereign nation.

Job profile: As the 266th pontiff and the successor to St. Peter, you’ll be tasked with being God’s emissary on Earth, supervising the church’s nearly 1 million priests, nuns, and monks, as well as the Vatican’s extensive real estate holdings in nearly every country in the world. While the position’s temporal authority has been reduced in recent centuries, candidates must be comfortable in the halls of power and able to conduct discussions with world leaders. We’re looking for someone adept at navigating a complex bureaucracy and — in light of certain recent events — experienced in damage control. Some public speaking required.

Candidate profile:

Requirements:

  • Catholicism
  • Celibacy (exceptions have been made in the past)

Experience:

  • Experience as cardinal or bishop strongly preferred but not required
  • Extensive knowledge of church doctrine and liturgy, as well as Latin and Italian (English a plus)

Personal attributes:

  • Self-starter
  • Infallible

Benefits:

While this position does not come with a salary, we will provide full living expenses, travel costs including use of the company car, and regalia including mitre, staff, ring, throne, and red Prada shoes. Summer residence provided at Castel Gandolfo. Full-time butler available, though not necessarily trustworthy.

Competitive retirement benefits include title of “Emeritus Pope” and strong possibility of sainthood.

Qualified candidates should send resume, cover letter, and references to the Papal Conclave, 00120 Viadel Pellegrino, Citta del Vaticano. You will be notified by white smoke if selected.

The Vatican is NOT an equal opportunity employer. Sorry, ladies.