COLUMN

Luke, I Am Your President

Luke, I Am Your President

My dear Americans and future subjects,

As you know, a recent poll rated me more favorably as a potential candidate for the 2016 presidential election than Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Chris Christie, or Jeb Bush.

Moved by such enthusiasm in a galaxy whose lack of faith is often disturbing, I stand before you tonight to announce that I, Darth Vader, am running for president.

It has been a long journey for me. Unlike my elitist opponents who are out of touch with 99 percent of America, I know what it is like to struggle. I was born a poor slave on the planet Tatooine, the son of a woman who worked from dawn to dusk for a cruel master. Yet despite the odds, my mother was determined that her son would enjoy the opportunities she never had. And so at a young and tender age, I was torn from my home to be apprenticed as a Jedi knight.

Life as a novice Jedi was hard. But I was fortunate to receive a Dark Side Scholarship, and from there I embarked on my long career of public service. While Barack Obama was just a community organizer in Chicago, I was organizing a galaxy-wide empire. While Hillary Clinton dithered over terrorist attacks in Benghazi and Chris Christie was sabotaging bridges in New Jersey, I was leading the Galactic War on Terror against the Rebel Alliance. And while previous administrations tolerated incompetents who fumbled aid for flood-ravaged New Orleans or botched the rollout of a health care website, I assure you that no subordinate has ever failed me more than once.

I behold an America that lacks strong leadership, its destiny guided by politicians who have waged unsuccessful wars, who have allowed America’s economy to wither and its standing in the world to plummet. I was once forced to contend with a Galactic Senate composed of races that could not even breathe the same air without asphyxiating. Yet this was a model of bipartisanship compared to the U.S. Congress.

So I ask you all tonight: Are you as fed up as I am with politicians who are as clumsy as they are stupid?

No doubt you wonder what a Vader administration can do that Hillary Clinton or Jeb Bush cannot. First, I pledge to restore America to its rightful place in the world. If I am elected, my first act will be to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin, where I will make clear our opposition to Russia’s actions in Ukraine. I am confident that within moments after we meet, he will announce that Ukraine is not the territory that he is looking for.

I will also halt the spread of radical groups such as the Islamic State. Those who enjoy putting their enemies to the sword will receive a true lesson in swordsmanship from my lightsaber.

As commander-in-chief, I will also ensure that America’s military is second to none. As you know, I oversaw construction of the Death Star, a costly but powerful weapon — not unlike the F-35 stealth fighter. Like the F-35, the Death Star had its doubters. But under my leadership, and with the support of America’s defense industry, I am confident the F-35 will prove as invulnerable as the Death Star.

Many of you are also worried about the economy. You wonder if you will be able to feed your families or send your children to college. As father of twins Luke and Leia, I have long worried whether my children would have the opportunity to pursue the same career as their father.

Fortunately, the one place in America where the Dark Side is strong is Wall Street. Many corporate CEOs are worthy disciples, and therefore I will summon them to Washington. Together we will implement an employment plan based on the Empire’s welfare-to-work program in the Spice Mines of Kessel. Deficit hawks and fiscal conservatives need not worry: the federal government will outsource the program to Imperial Stormtrooper Inc., who will ensure that America’s unemployed will have no complaints about their jobs.

Of course, I intend to continue the best policies of my predecessors. I will retain the Patriot Act, a fine piece of legislation worthy of the Empire itself. And as a Dark Lord of the Sith, I have long admired the work of the National Security Agency.

Thank you for your support. Vote early, vote often, and may the Force be with you on Election Day.