Shadow Government

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Donald

What does the most fabulous GOP candidate need to know about national security?

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BRIEFING MEMORANDUM

To: Donald Trump

From: GEN “Buck” Turgidson, USAF (Ret.); National Security Expert

Re: Mastering the Military and Media Morons

I’m very excited to be writing your very first national security briefing memo. But I’m also concerned that too many people — most of them on Fox Lose — have been making fun of something called the “nuclear trinity” and how you didn’t appear to have a clue about it at the last debate.

This is stupid. I’ve heard you many times say how important the nuclear stuff is, the low-cost energy thing, how you saw thousands of Muslims cheering in 1979 at Three Mile Island, and how you will get the Mexicans to build our nuclear submarines in Los Angeles and pay for them. (And now Jeb and Rubio want to build subs in Ohio! How idiotic is that?? Are they planning to launch them in the Wabash River?!)

Still, it sucks that Megyn Kelly gets to pretend she is smart. And the media morons won’t stop with their totally insulting “gotcha” questions about military trivia that no one cares about. So I’ve consulted a lot of people way smarter than the pundits — literally dozens of generals and admirals (I’ll get you the names later) to come up with answers that will melt the wire rims on George Will’s glasses and scorch the goatee off Steve Hayes face.

What is a NATO? — It was established in 1949 to keep an eye on the Russkies, who were just sitting there, doing nothing. I mean really. Stalin had a few troops helping out in Poland, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and pretty much everywhere east of the Oder. So we decided to spend billions and billions of dollars keeping thousands of our soldiers in Germany. To do what? Marry German women and bring them to Wisconsin? That’s probably how Krauthammer got in. Totally ridiculous. Your dad could have used that money building apartments in the Bronx. Now everyone wants to get on the free American defense gravy train. Countries that lose ALL the time. Latvia? Give me a break!

Force Modernization — Our planes, tanks, and submarines never win any more. Russian planes win. Israeli tanks win. Chinese subs win. Our things NEVER win. We should buy some brand new B-52’s, which is a GREAT plane that has been in lots of movies. Very good movies, like Strangelove. If it was good enough for Harry Truman, it may be good enough for you. Some people want new planes, like the F-35. They’re terrific, except they CAN’T FLY! Disgusting. Plus, they’re made in Texas. Enough of the freaking Bush family! But new tanks are a great idea. Massive 60-ton battle tanks are perfect for fighting terrorists and their families. And Assad will pay for them.

Bulk Data Collection — Spy agencies like the NSA scoop up all of our telephone records to see if we are talking to people in Iraq or at the Des Moines Register. There is literally no downside to this. We should be doing way more of it, and not stop at phone records. Do you think al Qaeda shops on Amazon? Damn right they do. If we want to kill the bad guys and all of their relatives, we have to know who is ordering what, who is watching Lawrence of Arabia on Netflix at 3 a.m., (Arabians, that’s who!) and who is studying up for a citizenship test. Legal sissies will get their panties in a bunch and yell “4th Amendment!” but lawyers poll at less than 2 percent and you are at 42 percent. ‘Nuff said.

Cyberwar — The Chinese can shut the Internet down any time they want. This is totally unacceptable. You should announce plans to shut the Internet down first. People who know absolutely NOTHING about technology say this is impossible. Oh yeah? On your first day in office, call in the CEO’s of AT&T, Verizon, Sprint, Microsoft, and Apple. Have them stand there in the Oval Office and bring in the buff Secret Service guys. Tell these corporate titan losers that you know where their kids go to school where their wives shop for $10,000 handbags, and what time their girlfriends get back from the gym. Then look them in the eye and “ask” them to shut the Internet down pronto. Goodnight WashingtonPost.com.

WMD Terrorist Attack — Apparently, the bad guys can put anything into a suitcase. Nuclear bombs, anthrax, AIDS, herpes, and autism. This must stop NOW! On your second day in office (after you’ve crushed the Web) send Special Forces teams to every single suitcase manufacturer in the world (probably all in China, India, and Mexico) and blow them up. If anybody still makes suitcases in the ol’ U.S. of A (hah!) have the FBI arrest all the workers and deport them. If any are American citizens, we’ll allow them to apply to get back in. (We might “accidentally” raid the National Review offices and send the staff to Cuernavaca. Jonah Goldberg can still hate you on the beach, but wait until he tries to tweet to a dark Internet!)

This is just the beginning. I can find many more experts once all the other campaigns start shutting down in a few weeks. You will never fumble another nuclear football again. On to Iowa!

Scott Olson/Getty Images

Richard G. Miles is the director of the U.S.-Mexico Futures Initiative at the Center for Strategic and International Studies. From 2007 to 2008, he handled Mexican affairs on the U.S. National Security Council staff.

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