Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for inviting me to speak here at the Democratic National Convention. Like so many of you, I came here intending to support Bernie Sanders, or maybe Hillary Clinton, or at least Michelle Obama, who gave a kick-ass speech. But also like so many of you, I have found myself asking, time and again, “Yes, Hillary, I get that it would be cool to have a female president, but how do you intend to bring about world peace?”
Because let’s face it, my fellow Americans, Hillary is not that persuasive as the peace candidate. There was that whole Iraq War vote thing, for instance, for which I forgive her, though the Iraqis may not. And there was the Libya intervention thing and the “I want to do an unspecified something more in Syria” thing. Worst of all, Clinton seems utterly determined to bait the Russian bear. She denounced Russia’s 2014 annexation of Crimea as “illegal,” and she even once compared Russian President Vladimir Putin to Adolf Hitler, which, as everyone knows, is not a nice thing to say about someone, even if he is sort of like Hitler.
Ladies and gentlemen, these are not the actions of a woman who wants world peace. Remember, folks, Russia’s superpower status may have slipped a little in recent decades, but Putin still controls about 8,000 nuclear weapons. Is it really a good idea to make this guy mad?
That’s why I am here in Philadelphia today to tell you that I have changed my mind. Sure, I would love to see a woman in the Oval Office one of these days, but let’s get our priorities straight. Reducing global conflict and preventing nuclear Armageddon has to take priority over giving a little something to the girls. So here’s what I want to tell you, ladies and gentlemen: I’m voting for Donald Trump, peace candidate!
It’s simple. Donald Trump is the only candidate we can count on to end 70 years of dangerous tensions with Russia — the only candidate who is actively extending a hand of friendship to our longtime adversary. Where Hillary Clinton has mocked and criticized Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump has speculated that the Russian president might someday become his “new best friend.” Where Clinton once sneered that Putin “doesn’t have a soul,” Trump has compassionately noted: “It’s never been proven that he’s killed anybody.”
In fact, Trump and Putin seem poised for a relationship that’s truly special. Trump has called Putin “very bright” and praised him as a “strong leader … a powerful leader,” while Putin has described Trump as a “really brilliant and talented person, without any doubt … the absolute leader in the presidential race.” True, some people have argued that, if properly translated, Putin’s words were not quite that adulatory, but let’s not be picky! In a world so painfully full of violence and discord, it is a truly beautiful thing to see two strong, masculine men openly expressing their admiration for one another.
But it’s not just a matter of a few personal compliments: Trump has made it clear that if elected, he’ll adopt policies designed to reassure Moscow of his good intentions. Where Clinton has denounced Russia’s actions in Ukraine and suggested that NATO should serve as a counterweight to Russian territorial expansionism, Trump has dismissed NATO as “very obsolete” and suggested he might be reluctant to defend America’s allies against a Russian invasion. Where Clinton has called for tougher sanctions in response to Russia’s annexation of Crimea, Trump has magnanimously declared his willingness to consider recognizing Moscow’s sovereignty over Crimea and his openness to eliminating U.S. sanctions against Russia. And where Clinton has condemned the alleged Russian hack of the Democratic National Committee’s email servers, Trump has taken the opposite tack, inviting Russia to hack into Hillary Clinton’s emails as well. True friends share secrets!
Imagine, my fellow Americans, a world permanently freed from the once omnipresent fear of nuclear conflict between two great superpowers. Imagine a world in which Russia and the United States stand together as friends and allies — a world in which Donald and Vladimir stand together, hand in hand. To echo Donald Trump’s moving words after the Republican National Convention, what a love-filled world that would be!
With a Trump presidency, we will finally see two great nations, once bitter enemies, co-sponsoring Miss Universe competitions together and harmoniously collaborating to destroy what’s left of Syria. Together, our two great nations can joyfully divvy up the Baltic and Central Asian states between them. Together, our two great presidents can share ideas on how to undermine the legislative and judicial branches of government — and together, they will pioneer new ways to confound the Fourth Estate and bamboozle their fearful publics.
My fellow Americans, a Hillary Clinton presidency would be a catastrophe, dangerously increasing the risk of deadly military confrontation with Russia. In a Trump presidency, however, decades of competition and distrust will give way to festive pool parties featuring lovely ladies, fierce leopards, and gleeful cries of “You’re fired!” When Trump and Putin launch the first-ever U.S.-Russian reality TV series, who will want realpolitik?
Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in supporting Donald Trump — the one candidate who promises peace in our time!
Photo credit: Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons