RusskiLeaks Exclusive!: Putin’s plans for post-election America after candidate Trump is cast into recycling bin of history
- By Thomas E. RicksThomas E. Ricks covered the U.S. military from 1991 to 2008 for the Wall Street Journal and then the Washington Post. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
To: President Putin
From: FSB Directorate for North American Affairs
Subject: Post-Election Activities in North America
As requested, here is Directorate’s current thinking for post-election posture in the North American political sphere.
POINT 1: Trump defeat appears now inevitable. This outcome is because of alliance of Wall Street financiers and corporate interests with U.S. government security organs. This, to our regret, has overwhelmed altogether Trump’s informal apparatus. We assess that Clinton forces enjoy full backing of CIA and NSA, as well as internal security branches such as FBI and IRS. Senior military officials generally remain clueless.
Concluded review of subordinate officers’ previous misperceptions as your office instructed leads to finding that some of these underlings failed to see that capitalist entities of America perceive Trump as maximal threat. FSB analysts especially did not anticipate swift and thorough reconciliation of Bush and Clinton power centers, an outcome you will recall was estimated by my directorate predecessor to be “most improbable.”
FSB operatives embarked upon mistaken path in part because of subjective acceptance of Trump’s estimates of his financial assets lacking in diligent third-party appraisal. His handler has been transferred to Mogadishu, and that official’s unreported financial assets transferred to account of Office of the President of All Russias.
POINT 2: Regrettably, we must now confess utterly to have failed in primary assigned mission to help secure in White House an American president who would engage in normal, friendly relations with Russia and also allow our nation to exercise proper, historic role in the southern periphery, defined (as directed by your office) as from Afghanistan west to the Maghreb.
Yet it is well to remember that our efforts largely have been successful in achieving secondary goals. This proud U.S. “democracy” that so taxed our far-too-patient hearing for many decades has been much degraded. Stink rises from American electoral process of which they so long have brayed like a thousand wasp-driven donkeys, to invoke apt Czarist phrase.
POINT 3: The Way Forward
Crucial question on which we seek your guidance and wisdom, not only as President of the Russias but also as former FSB director: What is to be done after Trump is cast into recycling bin of American history?
Recommendations are three:
–With all vigor uphold views that U.S. election results were rigged. This may be executed with more financial contributions, through our continuing social media work, and directly by publishing and re-publishing assertions about fraudulent nature of Clinton Regime. Especially is to be emphasized not only in United States but also in rogue nations of Warsaw Pact. Full and thorough coordination with FAPSI will continue.
–For your decision: Are we prepared to support violent attacks on the “illegal and corrupt Clinton Regime,” as our allies will advertise it? Our fear here is that Mrs. Clinton upon taking power may seek to assert her legitimacy by following strident example of departed British strongwoman Margaret Thatcher as Lady of Iron. Pending your order, preliminary survey is being of Stingers and other light U.S.-made ordinance now stocked in our private label warehouses. (Also, do you wish to encourage the creation in U.S. of a post-election, nationalist third party? Please to guide us on this.)
–Multiply with unrelenting vigor current efforts to erode belief of Europeans, both official and common peoples, that NATO will come to their aid in crisis times.
Finally, re your recent minute: Yes, we remain confident that our systems cannot be penetrated by Western hackers, but will continue to work to ensure that eyes are kept elsewhere.
As always, Lubyanka stands ready for your direction.
With great respect for you and with warmest hope for Mother Russia,
FSB Directorate of North American Affairs
CC: Bortnikov; Mironov; SPETTSVIAZ
Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons