If it doesn’t work out here for Miss California, she should go international…

It looks like Miss California Carrie Prejean’s problem may just have been that she picked the wrong pageant.

In case you missed the constant barrage of photos of the half-naked Miss USA runner-up that the media has been airing this week in their never ending quest for the truth (or to exploit a good opportunity to get some expensively spray-tanned skin on the air during May sweeps), Prejean is in big trouble with her pageant’s organizers. They are shocked, shocked by some of her behavior. Of course, it is unclear which of her actions is really troubling them — her semi-nude “lingerie model” photos or her appearances at her church on behalf of the National Organization for Marriage during which she spoke out against gay marriage. 

Ok, we all know it couldn’t be the photos, right? I mean the pageant had her appear practically naked on television. That’s obviously just an excuse.  Prejean sealed her fate when she expressed a personal belief that didn’t jibe with those of the new Billy Graham, America’s new moral arbiter, Perez Hilton. So, the moral forces behind the event including Miss California pageant director Shanna Moakler, best known for allegedly punching Paris Hilton in the jaw during a cat fight over Moakler’s then husband, scrawny, tatted-up, marginal rock singer Travis Barker, and Donald Trump, best known for his serial bankruptcies, appalling taste, and really, really bad hair, are now contemplating whether to banish Prejean to ensure that they get a more politically correct choice in place to be available for the next strip mall opening in Barstow.

(Just so there is no mistake about my view on these vitally important issues, I am all for both gay marriage and semi-nude photos of beauty queens. I am also for freedom of speech and don’t think it’s fair to kick someone out of a high public office like Miss California or Vice Miss USA just because they don’t hold a mainstream or even a defensible view.)

But there is good news for Miss Prejean on this National Prayer Day (which begins here in Washington with hundreds of politicians gathering for a national prayer breakfast in which they bow their heads and appeal to the Good Lord that a photograph of them praying ends up in their home town paper). Saudi Arabia, this weekend will kick off its own beauty pageant, one with a uniquely Saudi spin, the fabulous, second annual “Miss Beautiful Morals” pageant. In this event, unlikely to be picked up by Donald Trump for broadcast to the U.S. anytime soon, the winner is the young woman who demonstrates “the most devotion and respect for her parents.”

According to pageant founder Khadra al-Mubarak, quoted in an Associated Press story, “the idea of the pageant is to measure the contestants commitment to Islamic morals…it’s an alternative to the calls for decadence in other beauty contests that only take into account a woman’s body and looks.” Although sadly there appears to be no evening burka competition in the pageant, there are ten weeks of classes and quizzes on pro-parent topics like “Mom, paradise is at your feet.” Over 200 women compete for a grand prize of more than $2,600 (not enough to buy even one of Prejean’s recent breast implants) and “other prizes.” (A one year modeling contract for Miss Wahabi Hottie magazine, maybe? Featuring the latest in “Death to Israel and the Great Satan” full-coverage resort-wear?) 

Commenting on the differences between a glitzier pageant in more liberal Lebanon that actually features one piece bathing suits and the Saudi inner beauty extravaganza, the AP article notes dryly, “There are no such displays in ultra-strict Saudi Arabia, where until Miss Beautiful Morals was inaugurated last year, the only pageants were for goats, sheep, camels and other animals…”

Using unusual restraint, I will not comment on this last point except to suggest that if Carrie Prejean is in need of a replacement title sometime soon, she may just want to look into other options internationally where in addition to “Miss Beautiful Morals” she could compete for other crowns which during the past several years have included the likes of the Russian nuclear industry’s “Miss Atom”, Thailand’s plus-sized “Miss Jumbo-Queen”, Angola’s “Miss Landmine”, “Miss Brazil Transex”, outer-space’s “Miss Klingon Empire” and the good old USA’s “Miss Hell-hole Swamp.” And if these don’t work out, after the Saudi option, perhaps the one most suited to Miss Prejean’s publicized talents might be China’s glamorific “Miss Artificial Beauty Contest.” 

No need for a thank you note, Carrie. Just another public service article from your friends at FP.

JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images