Chinese media scoop: The Taliban’s deadly monkey soldiers

Wake up, Washington. The biggest challenge facing Afghanistan today isn’t corruption or political deadlock. It’s an army of bloodthirsty, Kalashnikov-toting monkeys. That’s right—according to the ever-credible Chinese state media, who are apparently the only ones alerting good readers to the insidious primate threat, Afghan Taliban have been recruiting countless baboons and macacas to the insurgent cause, turning peaceful tree-dwellers into unstoppable war machines that won’t hesitate to shoot:

In a sense, the emergence of “monkey soldiers” is the result of asymmetrical warfare.

[…]

Analysts believe that apart from using “monkey killers” to attack the American troops, the Taliban also sought to arouse Western animal protectionists to pressure their governments to withdraw troops from Afghanistan.

This changes everything. Fundamentalist monkey rebels? Mortar-launching baboons? Do primates even respond to counterinsurgency?

Hat tip: Slashdot