David Rothkopf

The top 5 foreign policy initiatives of the Tea Party

I’ve had a heck of a hard time trying to explain the Tea Party to my friends from outside the United States. This is counterintuitive because virtually every country in the world has its wacky fringe parties and many countries have wacky parties that are absolutely mainstream — every bit as narrow-minded, jingoistic, religion-infused, and ...

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I’ve had a heck of a hard time trying to explain the Tea Party to my friends from outside the United States. This is counterintuitive because virtually every country in the world has its wacky fringe parties and many countries have wacky parties that are absolutely mainstream — every bit as narrow-minded, jingoistic, religion-infused, and angry as the Tea Partiers. Could it be that the rest of the world actually — despite everything — has higher expectations of the United States than they do for themselves? 

That seems implausible. It’s more likely that the consternation about the nature of the Tea Party movement is simply associated with its newness. Either that or a double standard. I’ll leave that to you to decide.

But given the ever increasing strength spinning up this storm that’s sweeping across the American landscape (Tropical Storm Sarah?), the world’s questions will soon be answered. Tea Partiers will inevitably be elected. Maybe a bunch of them. And soon the world will have to deal with the policy initiatives of the Tea Party Caucus in the Congress.

To help prepare for this, I offer a snapshot of what could be the 5 Top Foreign Policy Initiatives of the Tea Party once it seizes the reins of power in America. This requires a leap of imagination since the primary Tea Party foreign-policy plank seems to be little more than "leave us alone or we’ll kick your ass." But come to think of it, that perfect blend of isolationism, know-nothingism and bullying actually captures the primary themes of U.S. foreign policy for most of American history.

That said, my picks for the 5 Top Foreign Policy Initiatives:

1. Putting God Back into U.S. Foreign Policy, Part I
They’ll drop all pretenses of getting along with anyone other than Israel in the Middle East. This is not necessarily good news in the long run for the Israelis. Introducing the concept of theo-realism, they will argue that our national interest, narrowly defined centers on keeping Israel safe … for the Second Coming. At that point, of course, they believe that the Israeli-Palestinian problem will ultimately be solved not through negotiation but rather via rapture, in which all good Tea Partiers will be called to a higher place, far far away from the fighting. Of course, hating Islam will also factor into the reasons behind their policy shift.

2. Putting God Back Into Foreign Policy-Part II
Naturally, Stephen Hawking’s visa will be pulled and he will be placed on a new TSA watch-list designed to keep out people who pose a threat to our national "values." Hawking will be kept out due to his recent assertion that God was not necessary for the creation of the universe. That and the fact that he is a scientist. And a foreigner. Also: They will withhold U.S. support for the EU so long as it continues to support the current activities of CERN, the European particle physics research laboratory. They have seen "Angels and Demons" and they will demand that the entire facility be converted to being a retreat dedicated to "better understanding of the universe through prayer."

3. A New Global Environmental Effort
They will launch the "Global Accord on the Human Slaughter and Marketing of Exotic Species" also to be known as the Polar Bear Burger Act which will focus on the more efficient harvesting and marketing of endangered species that "God made delicious for a reason."

4. The Dome
Clearly, the wall at our border is not enough. Taking this idea to the next logical step, the Tea Party homeland security policy team will propose the building of an actual bubble over the entire U.S. It is still being debated whether it will include any entrances at all although sufficient exits will be made available for deportations. 

5. Back to Empire
Seeking to make America more sufficient, the Tea Partiers will undo what historians have called the greatest strategic error in American history and will work to annex Canada. The goal, they will argue, is to "tap into Canada’s vast reserves of oil, gas, minerals, delicious endangered species, spoilable natural beauty and bland white people."

Interestingly, not only are these their top 5 foreign policy initiatives, these are their only foreign policy initiatives based on their guiding theory that "even having a foreign policy is a sign of misplaced priorities."

 Twitter: @djrothkopf

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