When foreign policy pundits analyze Santa Claus

December 25th is a time of love, gifts, prayers… and thinking long and hard about Santa Claus as an actor in world politics.  Sure, one could just compose awesome poems in the holiday spirit — or one could think seriously about the implications of the jolly fat man for the international system. 

I emailed a few of our gravitas-oozing foreign affairs pundits about the true meaning of Santa in our hyperconnected, globalized world.  Here’s what I got in response: 

Ian Bremmer:

Santa is the most damning piece of evidence yet that we live in a G-Zero world.  This stateless actor commands a vast intelligence apparatus, an apparent slave army of little people, and is not above working animals long past their breaking point.  By any stretch of the imagination, he’s a rogue actor.  And yet, despite these flagrant violations of international norms, there isn’t even a nascent effort to combat, contain or regulate his activities.  The G-20 continues to dither, revealing itself yet again as toothless and pointless.  This would never have happened back when the U.S. was the hegemon!!

Niall Ferguson: 

On this day of Christ’s birth, I will tell you something that the New York Times, which is so in the bag for this administration that one of their columnists kept predicting an Obama victory despite overwhelming mispeception to the contrary, will not:  Santa Claus is a force for good in the world.  Developing countries will cling to their indigenous Christmas heroes, foolishly hoping that these local legends can guide their country towards peace and prosperity.  Wake up, rest of the world!!  Yes, Santa can seem a bit domineering with his black-and-white dichotomy of naughty and nice.  Let’s face it, however — those countries that have embraced St. Nick are better off.  If anything, Santa’s problem is that he’s not being mean enough to the naughtys of the world.  Only when he is prepared to deploy the elves to places like Syria and the Congo will Santa be able to honestly wish all a good night.  I hope ole Saint Nick acts in this expansionist manner — but I worry that the Obama administration, to distract from the fiscal cliff, will declare some kind of "war" on Christmas.  Food for thought….

Donald Rumsfeld: 

Beltway pundits, serenely sipping their eggnog at those Georgetown Christmas cocktail parties, will offer soothing patter about the merits of a white Christmas and the inherent goodness of Santa Claus.  And other powerful interest groups, like retailers and the Catholic Church, will argue in favor of celebrating the birth of Christ on December 25th.  Some clever liberal pundits will go so far as to point out that it was an American corporation created the modern-day Santa.  Don’t let these lobbies fool you — celebrating Christmas on December 25th and welcoming Santa Claus onto our soil is a breach of American sovereignty that can no longer be tolerated.  Why should Americans celebrate this most American of holidays the same time as everyone else in the world?  Is it American for our government offices to be closed on this day because of some unelected bureaucrat based in that oldest of old Europe cities, Rome??!!  Is it American to have some foreign actor — a.k.a. Kris Kringle — make decisions about whether our children have been good or bad?!   Americans don’t need some foreign list to determine who’s naught and nice.  I believe that there’s a document that already takes care of everything we need, and it’s called the United States Constitution.  Our elected oficials must take action to protect the Constitution of the United States from these global efforts to affect our daily lives.  We’re an exceptional country with exceptional children — we don’t need Santa to tell us what they deserve. 

Jennifer Rubin: 

It is on Christmas more than any other day that we can appreciate how wrong Chuck Hagel would be for the Secretary of Defense position.  The former Senator from Nebraska seems all too willing to compromise in the War on Christmas, suggesting that perhaps "some" public spaces should be free of mangers.  This is fully consistent with Hagel’s past waffling on various threats to the American way of life, as evidenced by [MINIONS– PLEASE INSERT LAZY, INACCURATE HYPERLINK HERE–JR].  I’ve heard exclusively from a top GOP source whose last name rhymes with "Fristol" that Senate Republicans have a master file of statements Hagel made at a Senate Christmas party years ago where he raged against the "rank commercialism" of the holiday.  It’s this type of anti-free enterprise statements that clearly demonstrate that Hagel is out of the American mainstream in his views on Christmas — and America’s place in the world. 

Anne-Marie Slaughter:

There are many things to admire about Christmas — and yet I’m left wondering why, on this most nurturing, this most feminine of holidays, it’s a fat, aging, affluent white man who traipses around the world offering gifts to children.  It could be that Mrs. Claus simply doesn’t want to leave the North Pole — or it could be that she’s trapped there by the hidebound traditions of this holiday.  Clearly, the current model of delivering everyone‘s presents on one night makes it impossible for women to have it all.  Perhaps we should rework how Christmas operates to make it a more family-friendly model for the Clauses.  Instead of everyone getting their presents on one night, it should be staggered throughout the year.  This would allow both Santa and Mrs. Claus to participate in the making of the list, the checking it twice, and the bestowing of presents to the world’s children.  Let’s face it — the more that women take an active part in the management of this holiday, the better for everyone involved. 

Merry Christmas, foreign policy wonks!!