An OKCupid profile for a certain newly single world leader
Username: NastoyashiVVP 60/M/Straight/Moscow DETAILS: Height: 5’8 (Fine, 5’5) Body type: Athletic Diet: Healthy, tested for poison Smokes: Nyet Drinks: Socially, with friends and assorted flunkies Drugs: Definitely not Religion: Russian Orthodox Sign: Libra Job: President of Russia Income: Rather not say Children: 2 daughters. No, you cannot meet them. Pets: “Bigger, stronger, faster” than yours ...
Height: 5’8 (Fine, 5’5)
Body type: Athletic
Drugs: Definitely not
Religion: Russian Orthodox
Job: President of Russia
Income: Rather not say
Children: 2 daughters. No, you cannot meet them.
Pets: “Bigger, stronger, faster” than yours
Speaks: Russian, German, some English
What I’m doing with my life: Restoring Russia to its rightful position of global leadership
I’m really good at: Sovereign democracy, political technology, winning elections by staggering margins, suppressing hooliganism, judo, hockey, cruising on my big trike, tickling the ivories, shooting whales (but only for a good cause)
The first things people usually notice about me: Raw charisma, piercing blue eyes that reveal my soul, pecs, the fact that I’m the president
The six things I could never do without: Being the leader of Russia, my siloviki posse, my photo team, outdoor sporting equipment, my watch collection, the mansion I am definitely not building on the Black Sea
The most private thing I’m willing to admit: My prime minister gets on my nerves sometimes
You should message me if: You want to see the other side of those Kremlin walls
Joshua Keating was an associate editor at Foreign Policy. Twitter: @joshuakeating
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