An OKCupid profile for a certain newly single world leader

Username: NastoyashiVVP

60/M/Straight/Moscow

DETAILS:

Height: 5’8 (Fine, 5’5)

Body type: Athletic

Diet: Healthy, tested for poison

Smokes: Nyet

Drinks: Socially, with friends and assorted flunkies

Drugs: Definitely not

Religion: Russian Orthodox

Sign: Libra

Job: President of Russia

Income: Rather not say

Children: 2 daughters. No, you cannot meet them.

Pets: “Bigger, stronger, faster” than yours

Speaks: Russian, German, some English

ABOUT ME:

My self-summary: The world’s only true democrat, treasure hunter, animal lover.

What I’m doing with my life: Restoring Russia to its rightful position of global leadership

I’m really good at: Sovereign democracy, political technology, winning elections by staggering margins, suppressing hooliganism, judo, hockey, cruising on my big trike, tickling the ivories, shooting whales (but only for a good cause)

The first things people usually notice about me: Raw charisma, piercing blue eyes that reveal my soul, pecs, the fact that I’m the president

Favorite books, movies, shows, and music: Ernest Hemingway, anything with Steven Seagal or Gérard Depardieu, Larry King Live, the Beatles (not ABBA!). Also not a big fan of punk.

The six things I could never do without: Being the leader of Russia, my siloviki posse, my photo team, outdoor sporting equipment, my watch collection, the mansion I am definitely not building on the Black Sea

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: My prime minister gets on my nerves sometimes

You should message me if: You want to see the other side of those Kremlin walls