Right, Chaps, Let’s Imagine How Trump’s Talk With May Might Go

On Thursday, British Prime Minister Theresa May’s Tories published the Brexit bill, a two-sentence, 137-word blueprint for Britain’s departure from Europe. She sent it to Parliament just days after the Supreme Court ruled her government must seek the legislature’s approval before triggering Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty to begin negotiations to leave the European Union.

May herself campaigned against the Brexit referendum, but then became prime minister after David Cameron resigned. She has since been committed to taking a “hard Brexit” approach and triggering Article 50 by the end of March.

She is spending Thursday in Philadelphia, where she will meet congressional Republicans at their biannual retreat (this is upsetting to Democrats, but is probably not the most upsetting thing to happen to them in recent days). Then, on Friday, she will meet with U.S. President Donald Trump. Hers will be the first meeting Trump has with a world leader since his inauguration, and May is expected to heap praise upon him, leading some members of Parliament to accuse her of being a groveling embarrassment.

Let us now imagine how the conversation between the president and the prime minister might go.

Scene: Prime Minister Theresa May is led into a gilded room. President Donald Trump is sitting. He does not stand, but does lower the volume on the cable news.

Theresa May: Mr. President, may I just say it is an honor and a privilege not only to meet you, but to be the first foreign head of state to be able to do so since your well-attended and much-lauded inauguration.

Donald Trump: I know.

May: Now, as you know, I cannot make any bilateral trade deals with you until we’re out of Europe, but as soon as we —

Trump: Says who?

May: Federica Mogherini.

Trump: …

May: The foreign affairs commissioner? Doesn’t ring a bell? Never mind. They’re EU rules, I’m afraid.  

Trump: Nigel says we could just start making a deal. A great deal. A tremendous deal.

May: Yes, well, Mr. Farage is a Fox News commentator, not prime minister or president.

Trump: You know they say my election was Brexit plus plus plus?

May: Yes, yes I do. And I have to say, Mr. President, I feel a sort of kinship with you, not only because we together want to keep the special relationship very special —

Trump: So special. Bigly special.

May: But also because I feel you and I must now find ways to make the impossible possible. Take me, for example. I never wanted Brexit. I warned it would be like throwing the British economy off a cliff. Now, I run around saying things like, “Brexit means Brexit.” And you must somehow make America great again.

Trump: We’ve already started. Yuge crowds. So much winning.

May: And that ghastly border wall. A campaign promise that just got away from you. I know just the feeling.

Trump: It’s gonna be so huge. It will be the Great Wall. (in aside to aide:) Trademark that.

May: I see you brought the bust of Winston Churchill back into the Oval Office!

Trump: It was a tremendous insult to a great country to have it removed. We brought it back, like we’re bringing back American jobs and respect.

May: (coughs) Well, I’m mocked at home and abroad, can’t win a court case or seem to do much right. But at least that bloody bust is back in the Oval Office. We’re making the special relationship great again!

Photo credit: Leon Neal/Getty Images