Best Defense
Thomas E. Ricks' daily take on national security.

The Trump handler diaries (II): What transpired when dog caught American car

Bottomless line: I HATE being Trump’s handler.

By , a former contributing editor to Foreign Policy.
US President Donald Trump and German Chancellor Angela Merkel meet in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, DC, on March 17, 2017. / AFP PHOTO / SAUL LOEB        (Photo credit should read SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)
US President Donald Trump and German Chancellor Angela Merkel meet in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, DC, on March 17, 2017. / AFP PHOTO / SAUL LOEB (Photo credit should read SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)
US President Donald Trump and German Chancellor Angela Merkel meet in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, DC, on March 17, 2017. / AFP PHOTO / SAUL LOEB (Photo credit should read SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)

 

 

Notes for March 2017
Bottomless line: I HATE being Trump’s handler.

As when Frau Merkel visits! She read him riotous act on what she likes to call “KGB.” She says Mister President I lived under Russians most of life in East Germany. She says she knows how they do. When he interrupts, she stops him, says, Herr President, you being played like chump. Instead of smiling and politely thanking her for her interest in national security, “Big Orange” reacts as four-year-old child caught with hand in cookie jar.

Meanly times, in last installment of this diary most unhappily concluded with disgruntlement at our Palm Beach substation. Staff dislikes weather! Ho ho ho. Wait until you feel dull gray sweating hell of Florida in August, myself thinks. But I am a discreet fellow so keep mouth firmly closed.

Our staff placed in covert jobs in greater Palm Beach there complain of poor treatment by capitalist visitors. Code name “Moose,” one veteran of many ops, now working as waiter, says rich Americans in Palm Beach are peoples of “no culture.” (Coming from Russian, bigly insult there.) Also, his report states, they tip on the pre-tax total, which he terms “excessively thrifty.” I suggest with bright laugh that he organize workers. But he is failing to see the humor of it.

Meanly times, New York Residence finally heard from “Smiley.” She says she grows tired of “that old fat bullshit man,” threatens even to spill spicy beans and go back to Novo Mesto. Not a health plan for which I would sign up for! Lady in High Tower is not my assignment, thanks to God.

But enough of such banal matters. Here a big sigh. My problem remains of course Big Orange. Even more, what is my mission with him? If to get information, he is Grade-D source — meaning, nothing checks out! (Good thing I didn’t buy his health plan!) And if mission is simply to undermine American democracy, is not my work here done? Have been awaiting clarification for months. Lubyanka merely responds, “All will be clear.”

Personally, I think President Vladimir Putin never expected him to win, and don’t know what to do now. Just wanted to harass Clinton. Now we are like dog who caught car. A big fat American car.

Flynn? They got nothing. You hear me? Nothing. Seriously, nice old general never got close to real story, which is the money Trump organizations got from our oligarchs looking for safe harbors.

(Too much more to come)

Photo credit: SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images

Thomas E. Ricks is a former contributing editor to Foreign Policy. Twitter: @tomricks1

Read More On Military | Russia

More from Foreign Policy

Palestinians start to return to their homes amid destruction after Israel’s withdrawal in Khan Younis, Gaza.
Palestinians start to return to their homes amid destruction after Israel’s withdrawal in Khan Younis, Gaza.

Israel Is Facing an Iraq-like Quagmire

Six months in, there’s still no plan for after the war, U.S. officials say.

Instructors from the Norwegian Home Guard 12th District Company “Hegra” participate in a blank-fire exercise, together with Ukrainian soldiers, north of Trondheim, Norway.
Instructors from the Norwegian Home Guard 12th District Company “Hegra” participate in a blank-fire exercise, together with Ukrainian soldiers, north of Trondheim, Norway.

NATO Doesn’t Have Enough Troops

For the first time in decades, NATO has a plan to fight Russia. Now it just needs the forces to do it.

Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, U.S. President Joe Biden, and British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak hold a press conference after a trilateral meeting during an AUKUS summit in San Diego.
Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, U.S. President Joe Biden, and British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak hold a press conference after a trilateral meeting during an AUKUS summit in San Diego.

Biden’s ‘Coalitions of the Willing’ Foreign-Policy Doctrine

The latest flurry of U.S. diplomacy shows how the president is all about “minilateralism.”

A photo illustration shows a crowd of people filling the face of India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi.
A photo illustration shows a crowd of people filling the face of India's Prime Minister Narendra Modi.

The New Idea of India

Narendra Modi’s reign is producing a less liberal but more assured nation.