The Trump handler diaries (II): What transpired when dog caught American car

Notes for March 2017
Bottomless line: I HATE being Trump’s handler.

As when Frau Merkel visits! She read him riotous act on what she likes to call “KGB.” She says Mister President I lived under Russians most of life in East Germany. She says she knows how they do. When he interrupts, she stops him, says, Herr President, you being played like chump. Instead of smiling and politely thanking her for her interest in national security, “Big Orange” reacts as four-year-old child caught with hand in cookie jar.

Meanly times, in last installment of this diary most unhappily concluded with disgruntlement at our Palm Beach substation. Staff dislikes weather! Ho ho ho. Wait until you feel dull gray sweating hell of Florida in August, myself thinks. But I am a discreet fellow so keep mouth firmly closed.

Our staff placed in covert jobs in greater Palm Beach there complain of poor treatment by capitalist visitors. Code name “Moose,” one veteran of many ops, now working as waiter, says rich Americans in Palm Beach are peoples of “no culture.” (Coming from Russian, bigly insult there.) Also, his report states, they tip on the pre-tax total, which he terms “excessively thrifty.” I suggest with bright laugh that he organize workers. But he is failing to see the humor of it.

Meanly times, New York Residence finally heard from “Smiley.” She says she grows tired of “that old fat bullshit man,” threatens even to spill spicy beans and go back to Novo Mesto. Not a health plan for which I would sign up for! Lady in High Tower is not my assignment, thanks to God.

But enough of such banal matters. Here a big sigh. My problem remains of course Big Orange. Even more, what is my mission with him? If to get information, he is Grade-D source — meaning, nothing checks out! (Good thing I didn’t buy his health plan!) And if mission is simply to undermine American democracy, is not my work here done? Have been awaiting clarification for months. Lubyanka merely responds, “All will be clear.”

Personally, I think President Vladimir Putin never expected him to win, and don’t know what to do now. Just wanted to harass Clinton. Now we are like dog who caught car. A big fat American car.

Flynn? They got nothing. You hear me? Nothing. Seriously, nice old general never got close to real story, which is the money Trump organizations got from our oligarchs looking for safe harbors.

(Too much more to come)

Photo credit: SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images